my husband is driving my daughter away

Eventually I grew up and learned to appreciate these things, and I can look back and say wow, my dad was so great and modeled the type of behavior I should show. Also, my father took me to the new Disney movie every year. I actually found her on Facebook a few years ago, lol. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. I think she may have deactivated. Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. Perhaps the dad needs his own assignments on theater, literature and pop culture? Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. Terms & Conditions . It takes a bit of work to plan activities when she comes visit me in Chicago (my parents are happily married, but visit me separately) but we bound over food and shopping for kitchen stuff! After all, the child is innocent and helpless, while the spouse is an adult who can take care of themselves. You just have to learn to ignore that. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. This sounds a lot like my childhood! Scifi and fantasy have an adult audience for a reason (and a lot of the scientists on your husbands shows were inspired to study it because of Star Trek and the like). Apparently I am super wrong about This Old House my college friends would just give me a blank stare if I brought it up. My husband's daughter is coming to visit. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. I dont remember how old I was, but I distinctly remember the night they gave me that tape and told me what was on it. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. I think I read this differently than Wendy. Belittling her favorite things will only cause more resentment and make her even less likely to want to spend time with him. ), and Vietnam, but he doesnt care much about the hippie culture, so even though I love that, we skip that. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. You dont have to worship the same pop culture icons to have solid relationships. lets_be_honest July 2, 2013, 12:51 pm. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. I think its great that he invites her and wants to share his interests with her. Courts take action when substance use, in the form of alcohol and illicit drugs, and/or misuse of prescription drugs actually hinders a parent's ability to care for their children or when the parent poses a danger to the children's well-being. Liquid Luck And he is a loyal friend. You can follow me on Facebook here and sign up for my weekly newsletter here. July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Are any of these familiar to you? He's always putting him down. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. I have to agree. But he never stopped trying, and even if I was a brat, he still acted like an adult and never sunk to my level. If dad were interested in making an effort, he could find some common ground there and use that to tie into what he is interested in. I know I did. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. And its in your daughters interest to have a strong relationship with her dad. And make it a good one. A talk with your husband about encouraging ALL of her interests (NOT belittling them) and being her own person is crucial at this age. One of her friends had already seen the series and the others wanted to come over and watch the show on Netflix. I hated being around my father because it was constant criticism about my interests, which frankly, felt very personal because I was deficient for not being what he wanted. 2. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. You know what, I thought you were going to lay in hard when I first started reading, and I was thinking to myself Oh fuck, hes going to hit on all her worst innermost thoughts and shes just going to run screaming away from DW but frankly, I think you are completely right. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. And this is his responsibility too. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. I think my dad was guilty of that sometimes and he really regrets it. My dad and I developed a healthy give-and-take relationship when I was this age. I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. Not talking on cell phones, thats where. Im supposed to make sure shes taking care of herself and shes so grateful that someone cares that much, and the next day Im trying to 'control' her. If your daughter has seen you and your husband arguing or otherwise being unhappy together, she may start to feel like she needs to choose sides. Manage Settings This is NO accident. My husband has a son from a previous relationship and my husband treats him sooo badly. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. My favorite things in the world when I was a kid were books, baton twirling, girl scouts, dance, and trivia game shows. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. The Inner Light, frequently hailed as one of the most poignant sci-fi television episodes of all time. Camping and hiking which FRANKLY are much better for her both physically and psychologically in the long run. They wouldnt do that, would they? I think she may even already suspect this otherwise why ask you to approach him on her behalf? I see her occasionally, but she never stays long if her father is around. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. If shes expected to learn to take an interest in HIS hobbies, its fair that the same be expected of him every so often. I was bookish, nerdy and fangirly so I really connect with the LWs daughter. My husband has driven our children away with his dictatorial behaviour 04 May, 2019 01:00 You need to be gentle but honest with your friend about her crush MY HUSBAND is not an emotional. They have their own part to play in the healing of the relationship. Dad used people for his own good. You know at the beginning of the last indiana jones movie where indie comes running home and needs to ask his dad something but his dad makes him count to 10 in latin? Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Shes all the better for it. If he can target things toward what she might like, then shell probably be more receptive. The opposite gender relationship in a family (IMO) kinda shapes future relationships your daughter may have with boyfriends. Im breaking out in hives. Really not sure why I waited so long. Listen, this dad sounds exactly like my dad when I was 12, down to insisting I be more competitive, and why cant I play sports, and so on. But I would say that Dad needs to try not to do the whole disparaging remarks thing. Then he said he was going out to watch the game at a bar because he needed time alone, and that hed be home in a couple of hours. If the later is the case, I would seriously consider whether or not husband wants to change and work on himself and if not, I would maybe get out. She is also noncompetitive. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. But it was annoying. Hes not interested in that because that would require work and compromise on his part. I think the fathers criticism is a major problem, although I also think the daughter should be encouraged to become educated and skillful in the things hes attempting to teach her too (life is better when youre well-rounded and competent in a lot of things). Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. If youre finding that your husband and daughter dont seem to be getting along, it can be a difficult situation to deal with. So, based on my experience, its not helpful to your daughter to make it you against him. That way, everyone gets a say and is sort of forced to share each others interests. Dont let anyone else control your decisions. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. We watch those shows now, pre-children, but I assume well continue to do so once we have kids. Ha! Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. Way to become a teenager yourself dad. I agree weddings can be stupid . You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. AITA for saying my husband's ex is interfering? Game of Thrones? This is actually not difficult. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I am a nurse who works night shifts, and I have a working son, 21, and student daughter 20. my husband and their father died 3 years ago, and I have been working steadily. Its tough when you realize that your husband and daughter dont get along. I went through an accapella phase and a disney phase and a pop punk phase, a Growing pains phase, and on and on, and he rolled his eyes and helped me set the VCR, but wasnt willing to watch it. July 3, 2013, 9:47 am. Please dont suggest counseling communication is not an issue, as we have talked about these problems over and over. Hilary Duff has always come clean about her parenting journey over the years. Hes a good person, but our relationship as two adults is not a close one and at times feels forced on my end because I still dont know how to be myself around him. I tried to go fishing with my dad a few times when I was younger and it was the most boring thing on the planet. Ill also add that it needs to be understood that belittling interests and eye-rolling is not okay from the daughter either- if youre seeing it from her to him it needs to end now. And he lived 10 minutes away from us. I agree, but the father didnt ask for advice, the mom did and we all know you can only control your own actions, so because of that, I think the advice given was spot on. July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm, Obviously, but thats just because youre wrong and not because of the certain, lasting trauma it will cause for lil. Your email address will not be published. In this blog post, we will explore some strategies for resolving conflict between a parent and their partners children. But mom, dont do the us versus him. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. It can be tough sometimes, and obviously a lot funner to be the friend than the parent. Im sorry, but the father is an asshole. Is it forcing or is it parenting? he wants to teach her to drive. A game of Munchkin would be fun for all its geek references for you, and is playful enough that your husband might enjoy it. I simply didnt get it.) Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. (directed at the view in general, not you Fabelle) Am I not a read mid-twentysomething because I like them? If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. I adore them and love them as people, not just my parents. They Dont Want Their Marriage To End Up Like Yours, 4. July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. Theres forcing your kids to do something outside of their comfort zone, normal range of interests which I am ok with and then theres refusing to listen to music in the car EVER? He is clearly not getting the message. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. . After all, youre two different people with different perspectives, needs, and wants. I just wanted to point out that even though the LW says the dad rolls his eyes and makes comments about how their behavior annoys him, we dont know the context of that. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. He didnt tell me The Right Stuff was a terrible song, he tried to play me some Beatles or Eagles to open my mind. . I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. All these behaviors contribute to the problem and are probably making the daughter less inclined to spend time with him. See a different horoscope: Select I am, but I mostly just read others, so Im boring. Yeah, and you definitely dont win the parenting award when you focus more on getting your kid to be your ally, as opposed to sticking up for your child. But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. Of course the fights will get worse as she challenges boundaries and pushes back against his authority. Its full of teen girls going crazy for Star Trek. Im doing everything I can to make things work between us. Too little time to post! My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki It's never easy when feelings like this are not returned, but she needs to accept that a relationship with this guy seems to be a non-starter. So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. In that instance, it is terrible timing and the dad should have listened to Indie when he came in in an emergency and the dad should have helped then and done the latin lesson later, but if that was a normal day home from scouting, then good for dad, because indie totally used that information later in life, even though it was annoying (and seemingly aloof) of his dad to be so demanding. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. But talking about that kind of shit non-stop is just BORING. Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. Thinks hes hilarious). My fave was Joey for the record. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. And disparaging his daughters interests is the absolute wrong way to go about that. I can't even. Tell you husband to ease up a little bit. The Golden Rule for all intimate relationships is just as relevant in this situation: No matter how good your intention or how deeply you care for your partner, dont keep participating in interactions that create frustration and emotional distance. I inherited a great taste in music from my dad. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. Make it easier for him to be his best self. He is an adult and should act like one- his daughter will model her behavior off of his and what she is learning now is why bother respecting those with different interests. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. Just because you dont like Buffy and have introduced a bunch of facts that dont exist in the letter (your comment below about what the dad has been putting up with for years!?!) I think the dad sounds like kind of a jerk, and heres why growing up (and now, lets be real), I was a total geek for many things, including Star Wars (and I was born in 84, so it was years behind the times for me, too). That made me feel really loved and gave me a sense of confidence that is so, so important in a young girl (well, anyone, really). How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? They have to come at this from a position of mutual respect. In return, LW could offer to be extra supportive of the daughter participating in activities with her father that hes interested in as well. I dont care if he thinks her shows are boring his wife and daughter deserve respect. I just wonder if there is an approach I have not considered. Anyway, we had to go visit one of his aunts who was dying in the hospital, and my dad admitted to me that he didnt WANT to go and said he was dreading it (which was not something hed normally say to me), but that sometimes you have to do stuff you dont want to do. I read baby sitter club books and was part of the official fan club. Maybe not, though. She tells me what her favorite scent is, so I buy it for her for her birthday. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions.

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