how to hold a narcissist accountable

For me with my man, well, ill try and see if this could become better. Thanks for All you do & continue to do for all of us that struggle with this challenge. Unfortunately I had no where to take my boys and needed to sort this but by which time he had totally turned my boys against me poisoning them as a form of punishment. As much as he wanted it to look so, he hated the reality of being accountable for anything especially his own word. July 16, 2020. It disgusts me. This has taken me lots of practice, but as I improve, I feel more and more empowered. Hi Marie and welcome (-: I hope that understanding will help bring you to a place where you can begin to heal the hurt and move on. He will do anything to keep his fear a secret. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. You called our landlord while being mad at me and told them WE where not going to renew our lease without telling me. We have 2 children together and this time has been very difficult. Two weeks after the birth when we/I set up a date to meet, to top it all off, when I realised he hadnt told his Dad (who he was living with) about our son he proceded to tell me that he wanted to tell his Dad Id just surprised him with a baby.as it would make him look bad. You need to start today. I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. Its a hard life, but for me, Ive put down the sword, and have decided to find the believers in me; not the leaders or followers that are only destined to intercept my inalienable rights to exist. To add perspective he was not in communication around the birth, claiming the number on his old phone didnt transfer correctly (hed moved to NZ a few months earlier but hadnt told me, I heard from a friend of his, and I got in contact with him looking up surnames in the phonebook as I knew hed be living with his Dad) and his reason for not emailing me..his stepmother was always on the computer and so he couldnt! You are correct that there is no point in arguing but that does not mean he will never understand it was wrong. Hi Renee and welcome! Sometimes, the best way to hold a narcissist accountable is to take the proverbial bull by the horns and directly, and (unwaveringly) address their behavior. My husband and I have been married for quite some time now. 3. Be the happy person you were meant to be and fear nothing! I am looking for feedback hereI want to work on myself. One clear warning of what will result if their behaviour continues and then action. I feel persecuted and I dont know how to cope. Be bold be smart be loving be caring be humble and then if he fails to respond positively Id say there is a problem, he may be preoccupied with something he cant talk to you about could be some issue at work or family, he could be bullied at work but doesnt see it as bullying. So take kims advice and work on becoming your best and highest self, learn to set healthy boundaries, learn how to respond to criticism, learn to protect yourself, and learn to not be critical. Do you think thats possible? My experience is that this requires a lot of work on yourself to find emotional balance and peace of mind that they cannot reach, whilst you respond to their behaviour gently but firmly. When he calls me names I tell him I am sorry he feels that way because I think (something nice) about him and it takes the wind out of his sails. ago and it has been very helpful in the way I react when I do not get defensive and criticize back it helps so much. Also, please get Kim & Steves ebooks Back From The Looking Glass, The Love Safety Net Workbooks, and 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. I too hope you take a path that is filled with more happiness for you. Dear Kim, I have the book and the workbook and have been working on it. So conclusion I dont think its wise to ask them would they feel more comfortable getting help from somebody else to help with the situation as they see this as a threat and if they are truly narcissistic they dont think they need help with anything. Keeping rapport at the same time as setting boundaries is tough but a balancing act that helps a person become a better leader for sure! I did giveand giveand do and do Well I read almost everyones comments and I am glad I am not alone. My husband never said he was sorry, no remorse, hasnt held a steady job 12 of 14 years. He says they are not having sex. Life is hard enough without having to adapt yourself to twisted ways of relating to someone in order to have any semblance of a relationship. i am not supply anymore. The fact that Im still doing the same thing with someone who isnt at all interested shows me that even if I met someone new, I dont know if I can try your suggestions. 5. Kim, Problem is, long story short, he cannot apologise for any of the above and keeps pulling out old lines when I ask for support.along the lines of you wanted to have a baby, you deal with it. Lived 25 years with verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse. (Still do in my heart, although head says differently.). He is unwilling to change I have tried to work it our for my kids sake hes a good dad Just a lousy husband or even friend to me and I will be the bad guy if I divorce him because no one sees it or wants to. I know he is or will spread this lie about me because when I first met him, he said the same thing about his exWifehe lied about her and is gonna use the same lies on me?? (6) he steals my personal data and every photo I have ever had off of my cell phones I have never given him permission. Most of our communication has been through texts but Ive completely removed the emotion and now I have him helping me with my graphic design for my business and there he shall remain. Say nothing let him think he right since he is gonna thinks he is right anyway. I now remove myself from bad behaviour , when possible. Narcissists thrive on conflict. In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law. I constantly remind myself of this. how do I get over the pride and resentment I have? This is all past tense and yet in my head it feels like yesterday. I am thinking I want to ask him tonite if he has decided and if he starts all over to bypass and avoid answering, to tell him that its ok but that I have to make decisions and that I think it is better that we keep our finances completely seperate from now on and that he find his own place to live when he comes back home. 6 Treatment might include cognitive behavioral therapy, or medicine to help reduce mood. He will blame me instead of himself. What there is is putdowns, anger, blaming, no empathy, selfishness, baiting me to get me drawn into arguments, and lack of accountability in the small things in life such as chores or simply doing what he has said he will do in a million small ways. Im very happy that things have worked out in your marriage. I also take a supplement called laminine (amino acids & FGF) that helps regulate my hormones and neurotransmitters which get out of whack with the roller coaster ride of living with a narcissist and it helps them as well with theses issues eggoflife.com/jseals. Good luck xx. Liar! So it is a balancing act to be courageous about setting boundaries but also being as warm as you are able to be. So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. Back From the Looking Glass may be important if he returns and the fighting starts again. Many of them have legal advocates that help you with your situation. I have been married 36 years and most of my married life has been filled with sadness and anger. Also, since it is getting harder to jack with mehe is moving on to our 13 year old daughter. But I still miss him so am venerable and just hope I get stronger. You told me you didnt have the money to buy her anything. At the end of these emotionally exhausting talks, I end up talking to him as if he was 7 years old. Narcissists can only play the game they do if the people around them allow themselves to be deceived by their lies. Further if you are married to someone who is spending your money on gambling, an affair etc. for 2 years before we divorced and hosted multiple person sex parties where anything goes. It will be a long road but I have faith. I was diagnosed with cancer in 2003 and then again in 2007. Nor was I, when tolerating them, i kept making excuses for unnexceptable behaviour. Speak clearly and concisely to make them understand you. My quandry now is the see saw that I am on with him, believe it or not he actually has admitted to me that he knows hes difficult to live with but then he goes back to being Dr. Jekyl this is causing such an absolute drainage on me sometimes I truly want to give-up. Right now Im in therapy and EMDR is being used to help heal old wounds but in the process hes creating more. Hi Harrison and welcome I understand your feelings and hear that you are hurting. Keep the love flames going and learn to forget the past. Will he ever understand what he did was wrong? He turned that into I am insecure. He really didnt want to go back to work because the chaos narcissists try and manage leaves them exhausted. its just not final as in annuled. Only you know. After my split from my ex I met this guy from a dating website over year ago and thought I found my perfect soul mate Three months into the relationship things started to go really strange. Whenever we are growing closer, he will try and start a fight about nothing, just to give himself permission to get away and blaming me for it. Year and half ago, started hearing voices, making outrageous claims, obsessed over me, needed wanted me, if I didnt give him attention it would be horrible on me. Im trying to find a way to heal mentally but he doesnt give me a single chance. When I found out and tried to explain to them that, that was not the case they would not renew our lease and we had 30 days to find a new home. Yes I have been working at making our home and relationship safe and secure thanks to the information that you provide and I can see a definite change in my husband. Any hope of that happening? 1. For all this time I have been working on myself, attending classes through the church (designed for couples, but they are letting me go by myself)and I (unlike him) remember the good timeshe COULD be really, really sweetand my soul still loves him (its the only way I know how to describe it as it takes me out of the very human/ego part of me that is pissed as hell at the childish, immoral behavior)..it also lets me not put the blame on myself (which I bought into, and still do some days, like today). Leverage: "There must be a meaningful consequence to bring the narcissist into therapy, like the fear of losing a loved one who has 'had it,' the threat of losing their job, or their status." 2. They devalue you and criticize everything you do. 7 Alexia Demidova The Truth: Once you know, you know and can never unlearn it. The lack of sleep weakens me and the ups/downs instability , paranoid state he was in with aderall I was miserable I could take him it was a life not worth living. He hasnt done one thing that seems to indicate any love (in well over a year)and it certainly doesnt seem like love. Required fields are marked *. With regards to your response #31, to Renee. My husband has not changed in fact he has moved on to another woman whom he can control. It seems that people like this can move on so easily without a second thought about you or the pain, anguish, and despair they cause to those they leave in their wake.. How does one stay true themselves, their daughter and the man they love, while N is determined to destroy the love of a family he so wanted and created, without hurting everyone, and still finding a way to mend what is so very broken? I think the main thing is to BELIEVE and KNOW that you are not to blame for his bad moods and temper, whatever he says. Lawyers have said to put all vehicles in my name. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. As you can imagine finances have been a total mess and Im trying to save bits at a time for your book. The narcissist needs for you to fight back because then you are the one who lost control. Hi Liddabird and welcome, I appreciate your sentiments but if you share children taking them away without court permission is considered kidnapping and most people with NPD are very good at charming the court system. Forget needing him to be sorry that is a losers game and only got things to where they are now. I thought this would be easier than the long, drawn out emotional battles with me trying to get him to be accountable in our relationship. 11 Ways to Confuse and Disarm a Narcissist. My issue iswhat about false accountability? Ive had to learn to detach rather than focus on atttachment. That being said, we do know that narcissism is a behavior that can be reinforced or discouraged by the environment. It is not done in an effort to hurt anyone, used with bad intention or control them (the Nar), just to guide the outcome of the situation for the best. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. I love him and I am concerned for him. I wonderedWhat do you think would happen if 2 narcissist got together as a couple? And i said to him (with tears but very cool): Do not ever do that again. The truth is, narcissists lack accountability because they get away with it. He puts on quite a show at times. Thank you. I said that is impossible and he said are you sure you didnt forget the banking? (first disbelief, then unreal grief, then disbelief, grief, etc etc) Rather stuck in a cycle of griefIt doesnt seem like anyone could fake love as good as thatand yet, it isnt the kind of love one would want or expect from a husband, or at least he is unwilling (unable) to do that now! Have you tried instead of putting some effort into your relationship, like ask not what you want rather what you are prepared to give have you tried calling him and just saying I didnt hear from you so i called you up instead it may be possible that you both have expectations of each other yet will not humble yourselves to give to the relationship.

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